Sunday, April 24, 2011

An Open Letter to a Balladeer

Dear Bruno Mars,

I commend you for your sensitive, romantic songs like “Just the Way You Are” and “Marry You.” However, I am concerned about the relationship described in your recent hit, Grenade, so I’m sharing the following advice with you in hopes that it will help you with your future loves.

I don’t need someone to “take a grenade for me.” It’s a rare occurrence in suburban California, and I’m able to handle my own munitions issues. Instead, I need someone who can zip home from work when the nanny calls to say that our little rascal is running a fever.

I don’t need someone to ”put their head on a blade for me.” That just sounds really messy, and the last thing I need is more stuff to clean up. Instead, I need someone who is willing to work through Quicken and Turbo Tax with me. I assure you, the pain of a knife is fleeting in comparison to the depths of the US tax code.

I don’t need someone to “jump in front of a train for me.” Trains have pretty predictable routes, and with proper planning, one can easily avoid being in their paths. Instead, I need someone who will convince our network service provider to meet their service level agreements lest we lose internet connectivity and perish.

I am fortunate that my husband does indeed do all these things and think that perhaps changing your approach will lead to greater success. Best wishes,

Lady M


Mir said...

Haaaaaaaaaaa! Well put. ;)

Bob said...

Someone must have taken a course in extreme lyrics.

mayberry said...

Yes! I'd prefer a partner who doesn't generate bloody messes and extreme hospital bills.

Anonymous said...

Genius. I totally agree


Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.

I can't stop laughing. You totally nailed it.